A 4-Step Process to Find Ease in Difficult Circumstances
Life can throw challenging situations our way, and I’ve seen this firsthand while working with members of our community. Recently, during a facilitation call, I guided someone through a four-step process that brought her tangible relief from a tough circumstance. Inspired by that experience, I’m sharing these steps with you so you can invite more ease into your own life, no matter what you’re facing.
This blog post is divided into three parts: first, I’ll outline the four steps; then, I’ll explain each one in detail; and finally, I’ll address common troubleshooting questions to help you navigate any challenges that come up. Let’s dive in!
The Four Steps
Here’s a quick overview of the process:
Is there a good enough reason to keep love away from yourself because of this circumstance?
Is there a good enough reason to keep the thoughts and feelings about this situation away from love?
Is there a good enough reason to keep love away from yourself until the situation improves?
Is there a good enough reason to keep love away from yourself until you know what to do about the situation or how to improve it?
Now, let’s explore each step.
Step 1
Question: At this moment, is there a good enough reason to keep love away from yourself because of this circumstance?
Follow-Up: If there’s no good enough reason, could you allow yourself to let love in, even in the presence of this situation?
Why I Ask This: We often withhold love from ourselves without realizing it, influenced by past experiences or conditioning. This question brings your attention to the present, inviting you to consider whether there’s a real need to block love because of what’s happening. It’s a gentle nudge to check in with yourself.
What It Does: This step helps you recognize if you’re unintentionally cutting yourself off from love. If there’s no compelling reason to keep it away, it opens the door to receiving love right now, despite the circumstance. This creates a foundation of self-compassion that supports the rest of the process.
Step 2
Question: Is there a good enough reason to keep the thoughts and feelings about this situation away from love?
Follow-Up: If not, could you allow these thoughts and feelings to return to love?
Why I Ask This: After reconnecting with love in Step 1, this step focuses on the thoughts and feelings tied to your situation. We often see them as separate from love, but this question checks if there’s any real need to keep them isolated.
What It Does: Allowing these thoughts and feelings to return to love creates inner spaciousness. This shift can break stubborn patterns, lighten your emotional load, and make room for new possibilities. It’s about letting love embrace what’s been weighing you down.
Step 3
Question: Is there a good enough reason to keep love away from yourself until the situation improves?
Follow-Up: Could you allow yourself to have love as you open to the possibility of improvement?
Why I Ask This: When we’re stuck in a tough spot, we sometimes delay love until things get better. This question challenges that habit, inviting you to let love in now and use it as a foundation for change—rather than waiting for external circumstances to shift first.
What It Does: This step dissolves the idea that love has to wait for a “fix.” By letting love in, you empower yourself to approach the situation from a place of strength and clarity, rather than deprivation or pressure.
Step 4
Question: Is there a good enough reason to keep love away from yourself until you know what to do about the situation or how to improve it?
Follow-Up: Could you allow yourself to have love as you discover ways to improve it?
Why I Ask This: We often hold back love when we feel stuck or unsure of the next step, relying on pressure or discomfort to help us find a way forward. This question asks if that’s necessary—or if we could let love in and see what insights, ideas, support, actions, or inspiration open up.
What It Does: This step frees you from taking fear-based actions. By grounding yourself in love, you tap into a steadier source of energy—think courageousness, acceptance, or peace—making action feel natural and sustainable.
Troubleshooting
What Do I Mean by “Returning to Love”?
Picture a wrinkled shirt fresh out of the laundry basket. Before you touch it with an iron, the wrinkles catch your eye—they stand out sharp and distinct, almost like they’ve got a life of their own, separate from the fabric underneath. You might even focus so much on those creases that you forget the smooth, soft shirt they’re part of. But then the iron comes along, warm and steady, gliding over the surface. As it moves, the wrinkles don’t just vanish into thin air—they soften, relax, and melt back into the fabric. What was once a jumble of lines becomes seamless again, blending into the shirt’s natural state. You can’t tell where the wrinkles used to be; they’re not gone so much as reunited with the whole.
That’s what I mean when I talk about thoughts and feelings “returning to love.” In our minds, those heavy emotions—like frustration, sadness, or fear—can feel so loud and solid that they seem cut off from anything good, like they’re these standalone burdens we have to wrestle with. But love is like that iron. When we let it in, when we allow those thoughts and feelings to reconnect with it, they lose their jagged edges. They don’t necessarily disappear in a puff of smoke—sometimes they just smooth out, shedding their weight and isolation. It’s as if they remember they’re not separate from us, or from love, after all. They blend back into something bigger, something calmer, and what felt like a tangle in your chest starts to feel more like a quiet flow. That’s the transformation: not erasing, but reuniting.
What If I Find It Difficult to Let Love In?
Resistance to love is common, and it’s okay. Here are some reasons it might feel hard:
Perceived Benefits: You might think keeping love away motivates you or protects you from worse feelings.
Self-Punishment: Maybe you feel you don’t deserve love due to past mistakes.
Familiarity: Uncomfortable emotions can feel safer than the unknown of love.
Unworthiness: A belief that you’re not good enough might block love.
Fear: You might worry love will make you lose control or diminish your edge.
If you find yourself holding love away because of these reasons, don't be hard on yourself. The very fact that you’re engaging with this method is proof that there’s already some opening to letting love in. Without that openness, you wouldn’t be drawn to exploring these questions. This can be the starting point you need to begin allowing love in more fully.
Additionally, the questions in the fourth sequence of the introductory course can be very useful in expanding this opening further, helping you dissolve deeper layers of resistance and making space for love to flow more naturally. With time, attention, and practice, that small opening can expand, allowing love to grow in ways you may not have anticipated.
Consider this: if you have been in a dark room for a long time and someone suddenly switches on the light, the brightness can feel overwhelming, even painful to your eyes. You may instinctively turn away from it. However, if you allow yourself a moment to adjust, the brightness becomes comfortable, and being in the light starts to feel more natural, open, and safe compared to the darkness.
Similarly, letting love in can initially feel disorienting if you have been keeping it away for a long time. Instead of forcing yourself, ease into it at a pace that feels right for you. Over time, you’ll notice a natural openness to receiving love, making it feel less overwhelming and more like a steady, supportive presence in your life.
What If the Thoughts and Feelings Feel Stuck?
Sometimes, when you’re working through this process, progress isn’t immediately obvious—it can feel like you’re putting in effort without much relief. I’ve seen this happen often with clients, and it’s worth digging into because subtle shifts might be hiding beneath the surface.
For example, I was working with someone on a facilitation call, and she started with a feeling she called “sadness.” I asked her to rate it on a scale from 0 to 10—where 10 is overwhelming and 0 is the absence of that feeling—and she said it was an 8. We went through a couple of rounds of the process, asking questions like, “Is there a good enough reason to keep this sadness away from love?” and “Could you let it return to love?” Afterward, I checked in: “How do you feel now?” She said, “It’s still intense—I don’t feel much change.” It was still a strong feeling, maybe a 7 out of 10.
At first glance, it seemed like nothing had shifted—she’d gone from an 8 to a 7, which didn’t feel like a big win. But I asked her to pause and reflect: “We started with sadness at an 8. Is the feeling you’re experiencing now still sadness? And if so, how strong is it?” That’s when she noticed something surprising. The sadness was gone—completely released. What she was feeling now was anger, and she rated that at a 7. So, while the overall intensity only dropped from an 8 to a 7, the original feeling had fully dissolved, and a new one had surfaced to take its place.
This is a key insight: when thoughts and feelings return to love, they don’t always disappear into thin air. Sometimes they release, and something else emerges—another layer to work through. If she hadn’t tracked what we were working on, she might’ve missed that progress entirely. It felt like, “I’m still at a 7, so nothing’s changed,” but in reality, the sadness she started with was gone. That’s a huge shift, even if the net intensity didn’t drop dramatically.
So, if you’re feeling stuck—like you’ve been working on an issue for days, weeks, or even longer, and it’s still heavy—try this: track where you started. Ask yourself, “What was the original feeling I began with? How strong was it then, and how strong is it now?” Then compare it to what you’re feeling currently. Is it the same emotion, or has it morphed into something else? This helps you notice progress that might otherwise slip by unnoticed.
Another thing that can keep you stuck is pressure. I’ve seen this with clients time and again—they’re working hard on an issue, but it’s not budging, and they start pushing themselves to “get rid of it.” That pressure can actually make things worse. So, if it feels stuck, pause and check: “Am I putting too much pressure on myself to let this go?” If the answer’s yes, shift your focus. Ask, “Could I allow that pressure to return to love?” Just letting go of that self-imposed push can lighten the load and create space for the original feeling to shift.
The takeaway here is twofold: progress can be sneaky—it might not look like a straight line from heavy to light—and piling on pressure rarely helps. By tracking what you’re working on and easing up on yourself, you’ll start to see how thoughts and feelings evolve, release, and make way for relief, even if it’s step by step.
What If the Thoughts and Feelings Become More Intense?
It’s not uncommon for things to feel heavier or more intense as you work through this process. When you open yourself up to letting thoughts and feelings return to love, more emotions might bubble up to the surface—sometimes ones you didn’t even know were there. That can make it seem like the process is backfiring, but in my experience, this is a normal part of the journey. It’s like peeling back layers; as one releases, another might step forward. The key is not to panic or push through it blindly—pressure only makes it worse.
I’ve worked with people where this happens, and one thing I’ve noticed is that putting pressure on yourself to “get past” the intensity rarely helps. In fact, it often digs you in deeper. I remember a client who, mid-process, said the feelings were getting stronger, not lighter. She felt overwhelmed and tempted to muscle through it, but I asked her to pause. Forcing it would’ve just added frustration to the mix. Instead, we took a gentler approach, and it made all the difference.
Here’s what you can do if the intensity ramps up:
Check Readiness: Start by asking, “Am I ready to let these thoughts and feelings return to love?” There’s no need to dive in headfirst if you’re not there yet. Just notice what comes up—maybe a “yes,” maybe a “no,” or even a “not quite.” Whatever it is, honor it. This question helps you gauge where you’re at without judgment.
Ease In: If you’re not fully ready—or even if you are—try this: “Could I allow these thoughts and feelings to return to love as much as I’m ready to?” This is about meeting yourself where you are. You don’t have to tackle everything at once. Maybe only a small piece feels workable right now, and that’s fine. Let that piece shift, and leave the rest for later. It’s like dipping your toes in the water instead of jumping into the deep end—gentle and manageable.
Focus on What’s Ready: Sometimes, not all the thoughts and feelings are ripe to move. So ask, “Are there any thoughts or feelings that are ready to return to love right now?” Tune in and see if there’s a specific cluster that feels lighter or more willing to let go. If you spot something, follow up with, “Could I allow whatever’s ready to return to love to do that?” Then just observe what happens. You might feel a subtle release—a softening or a quiet shift. That’s progress, even if the bigger intensity lingers.
The beauty of this approach is it’s flexible and kind. There’s no rush, no deadline. If the intensity feels too much, pause. Step back. You can always come back to it later when you’re in a better space. I’ve never found that bulldozing through overwhelming emotions leads to anything good—it just piles on more resistance. But by working with your readiness, you create a sense of safety and flow.
For instance, if you’re feeling a storm of emotions and it’s spiking—say, from a 5 to an 8 on that intensity scale—don’t assume you have to handle it all right now. Maybe there’s a little thread of frustration or sadness in there that’s ready to soften. Focus on that, let it return to love, and see what shifts. The rest can wait. This way, you’re not overwhelming yourself, and you’re still moving forward.
If you’re still unsure what “returning to love” feels like in practice, flip back to that shirt-ironing analogy in the earlier troubleshooting section. Picture those wrinkles smoothing out into the fabric—that’s the vibe you’re aiming for. It’s not about forcing the intensity away; it’s about letting what’s ready melt back into a calmer, more unified state.
One last thing: if the intensity keeps climbing and you’re tempted to grit your teeth and power through, check for pressure again. Ask, “Am I putting too much pressure on myself to fix this?” If you are, let that pressure return to love first. You’d be amazed how often just dropping that pushiness creates a ripple of relief—sometimes enough to soften the intensity on its own.
So, when things heat up, slow down. Work with what’s ready, not what’s stubborn. You’ll find the process stays supportive instead of stressful, and that’s where the real ease starts to creep in.
Wrapping Up
This four-step process is about rediscovering ease by reconnecting with love, even in tough times. It’s not about forcing change but inviting a shift—from withholding love to letting it flow.
I hope you find this helpful. Let me know how it goes—I’d love to hear about your experience!